The Day I Felt I am a Failure

 Today, I immersely feeling that I am failed as a human in building up a relationship.

I failed to find someone to get married to.

I failed to have a child.

But I have a career , that I would say stable now.

I have a good salary and able to give to people and pay my commitments to without having to rely on people.

I have debt which is bearable for me to hold on to.

It just that, it just that, I am alone.

I am still living with my parents which I do not think it's a bad things. Though. deep down...

I thought I have someone, but for the past year, it's been giving me mixed signals and that really really hold me down. I do not even know if he have any further intention. Looking back at my entries, it's been the same...

I might hold on these. But really I do not see where it could goes.

Maybe I am happier alone. Truth is, maybe I'm just a decoration for the world... With no purpose.

I am sorry to myself that your mind thinking this way. But I hope you will get stronger, I know you are strong. This is just a phase. 

It's okay you can cry now... I know you have cried 2 years before but hey, things get better right. You get the department you want and you stay in the same state throughout your career, you gain yourself skills, you get new friends and even though things get bitter at one time but you managed to get through it. 

Maybe one day, if I were to die, I hope someone would get through this entry and understand that I am trying my best to live. Sometime, I just felt lost. However, I cannot show to anyone but God. Because if I were to explain to anyone it would be difficult, it just like there's this rumbles of thoughts coming over and I try my best to keep it away but there are time it just manage to engulf me.

Maybe, maybe I have anxiety... Maybe.