31 Days to Get Over Break Up

 Met someone today In a car, and beside me was an empty parking lot. Turn out today was the day he parked beside me. And he greeted me. He is going somewhere else. Took me 5 years to forget. I guess if it was an anime, this is a closure. Let me just cry for the last time. ( or my period i know it’s your time)

 Go on

 Now that i past bf gf thingy I want more .. I want marriage Maybe that’s why i felt hurt because it’s something unattainable right now Seems impossible  That’s why i stressed out I should stand on my ground now Inshallah i will have my rezeki It’s just slow.. a bit But alhamdulillah things going well

 There’s this song, name Golden Hour. Even though it’s a song from a guy to a girl but. I feel like I want to give myself golden hour of the life. Meaning, I will be the best person I ever had, Most confident Most smile Most happy Most daughterly towards the parents Most beautiful  Most kind Most attractive Most hardworking Most selfless And goes on Because I am entering 30s? Why not give it a good start 

 So.. I was invited. To go to see them in the previous place I worked to. On a Friday, during my working hours.  I felt wrong especially I still have a lot of pending work to do and I am afraid that I would mess up. My mind occupied with so many thoughts. Not to mention I am still waiting for the exam result.  Thinking that I would be penalized. I decided not to go, because I don’t feel it’s right.  I guess it’s me. I’m sorry. I hope I have chance to be forgiven. I should have just stay silent.  Even if I went , I wouldn’t get what I want. I just wanted to spend some time with a person, if I were to go there it would be spending time in a groupz talking about the same things. Gossiping about the same thing.

 Today, I immersely feeling that I am failed as a human in building up a relationship. I failed to find someone to get married to. I failed to have a child. But I have a career , that I would say stable now. I have a good salary and able to give to people and pay my commitments to without having to rely on people. I have debt which is bearable for me to hold on to. It just that, it just that, I am alone. I am still living with my parents which I do not think it's a bad things. Though. deep down... I thought I have someone, but for the past year, it's been giving me mixed signals and that really really hold me down. I do not even know if he have any further intention. Looking back at my entries, it's been the same... I might hold on these. But really I do not see where it could goes. Maybe I am happier alone. Truth is, maybe I'm just a decoration for the world... With no purpose. I am sorry to myself that your mind thinking this way. But I hope you will get stronger, I k...